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  • Writer's picturemarikenney

My body. My enemy.

WARNING: This is a pity party post. I feel like boo boo.

I'm tired.

I'm always tired.

Mentally and physically - and I hate it.

I'm trying everyday to figure out where the pain and fatigue comes from. I've gone to a therapist, a GI, and every specialist in between. I've been told things that will help, and I follow those suggestions. But I never feel completely okay. I always feel tired and always have this undercurrent of pain running through my body.

Most days, I can push through and ignore everything, but when I feel my worst, I become an angry, sad, pathetic baby. And for the last few days, I've been that baby.

Yesterday, I started the day feeling somewhat normal, but then I decided to eat breakfast. As soon as I ate, my whole body shut down. I couldn't leave my bed and slept all day. Pain radiated throughout my whole body. My sinuses were stuffed, my stomach was bloated, and my joints were stiff. I had to cancel plans with friends that night. I hated it.

Today, I woke up and felt okay. But after I ate, my stomach was like, "Oh, you dumb bitch, get ready." Let me just say, running to the bathroom with sore, inflamed joints, is not a fun thing.

I've jokingly told my husband, I'll just stop eating, because when I don't eat, I feel fine. But even though food hates me, I love food. A lot. Food is just so good.

I'm doing some research to find liquid diet alternatives until I can get the inflammation down. (If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I don't want to lose anymore weight, and I need those vitamins).

Tomorrow, I have blood work scheduled to see if my issues are caused by an underlying issue. I'm happy that my doctors are listening to me, but I also HATE LIVING LIKE THIS! I just want to know what is wrong, so I can fix it.

I miss being active. I miss being around people. Since I've started having health issues, I've pulled away from people. It's easier to deal. I feel like a burden when I don't feel well. I've even been told I was a burden when I was ill, so I don't like to share my issues that much. But on a blog is fine, because only a few people will read it, haha.

My husband and my roomie are a great support system, but I know that I don't want to always be the "sick" one." I've been the sick one for far too long - and it fucking sucks.

I want to feel normal. I want to feel healthy.

I know I will. One day. Today is just my - I'm an angry, sad, pathetic baby day. Hopefully, in the future, these days won't be a regular occurrence.

Fingers crossed.

Sorry for the downer post - here is a video to hopefully serve you with some Fun.

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Sep 29, 2023
Rated 5 out of 5 stars.

I've been there. Having an undiagnosed illness and debilitating pain really takes a toll on your mental health. I hope you get some answers soon.

Oct 01, 2023
Replying to

I'm sorry you had to struggle with this as well. It is not fun! And thank you for the kind words. I think I'm on the right path, but I'm sure you understand how exhausting it can be! Hope you are feeling better!

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