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  • Writer's picturemarikenney

My body. My enemy.

WARNING: This is a pity party post. I feel like boo boo.


I'm tired.


I'm always tired.


Mentally and physically - and I hate it.


I'm trying everyday to figure out where the pain and fatigue comes from. I've gone to a therapist, a GI, and every specialist in between. I've been told things that will help, and I follow those suggestions. But I never feel completely okay. I always feel tired and always have this undercurrent of pain running through my body.


Most days, I can push through and ignore everything, but when I feel my worst, I become an angry, sad, pathetic baby. And for the last few days, I've been that baby.


Yesterday, I started the day feeling somewhat normal, but then I decided to eat breakfast. As soon as I ate, my whole body shut down. I couldn't leave my bed and slept all day. Pain radiated throughout my whole body. My sinuses were stuffed, my stomach was bloated, and my joints were stiff. I had to cancel plans with friends that night. I hated it.


Today, I woke up and felt okay. But after I ate, my stomach was like, "Oh, you dumb bitch, get ready." Let me just say, running to the bathroom with sore, inflamed joints, is not a fun thing.


I've jokingly told my husband, I'll just stop eating, because when I don't eat, I feel fine. But even though food hates me, I love food. A lot. Food is just so good.


I'm doing some research to find liquid diet alternatives until I can get the inflammation down. (If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I don't want to lose anymore weight, and I need those vitamins).


Tomorrow, I have blood work scheduled to see if my issues are caused by an underlying issue. I'm happy that my doctors are listening to me, but I also HATE LIVING LIKE THIS! I just want to know what is wrong, so I can fix it.


I miss being active. I miss being around people. Since I've started having health issues, I've pulled away from people. It's easier to deal. I feel like a burden when I don't feel well. I've even been told I was a burden when I was ill, so I don't like to share my issues that much. But on a blog is fine, because only a few people will read it, haha.


My husband and my roomie are a great support system, but I know that I don't want to always be the "sick" one." I've been the sick one for far too long - and it fucking sucks.


I want to feel normal. I want to feel healthy.


I know I will. One day. Today is just my - I'm an angry, sad, pathetic baby day. Hopefully, in the future, these days won't be a regular occurrence.


Fingers crossed.


Sorry for the downer post - here is a video to hopefully serve you with some Fun.




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Guest
Sep 29, 2023
Rated 5 out of 5 stars.

I've been there. Having an undiagnosed illness and debilitating pain really takes a toll on your mental health. I hope you get some answers soon.

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marikenney
marikenney
Oct 01, 2023
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I'm sorry you had to struggle with this as well. It is not fun! And thank you for the kind words. I think I'm on the right path, but I'm sure you understand how exhausting it can be! Hope you are feeling better!

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